How Do I Become Myself Again
Mother's Day Collection ➔
This has been a peculiarly tough solar day. Nix bad happened. The day was brilliant, warm and sunny; a beautiful day. But today I believe that I began a journeying. A journey that is going to be crude. And painful. Simply a journey that is very necessary. I need to become the person I in one case was.
Twenty-some years agone I was a young woman who had a huge heart. I wanted to observe dearest so badly. I wanted to find someone I could love and would love me the way I loved them. I found someone, and went into marriage blindly. Fast forward xx-some years and I am at present a divorced 45-twelvemonth-old. Somewhere along the manner, I lost myself. I think I generally allowed it to happen as a protection mechanism. I became something I wasn't. I hardend myself to protect myself from the pain. And there was a lot of it. Matrimony is hard piece of work. And I am in no fashion proverb I was perfect. Merely things happened in my marriage to make me consume my feelings. I was the type to weep at love stories, happy endings and sad endings. It's just who I was. Simply over the years I had to harden myself. Not permit my feelings to evidence. In part I retrieve it was to save the marriage. If I allowed myself to feel those things, I would have known this was not a good marriage.
Non only did I harden my heart, I besides learned to non be true to myself. I was the blazon who wanted to aid someone on the side of the road. I loved animals. But I was made to feel that those things were just ridiculous. "It's a crazy world, you tin can't finish to help people anymore." Or "It's just an animate being." I was made to feel my thoughts and feelings were not valued. I was made to feel my mode of thinking was just ridiculous. And so I hid my true self.
Today I sat down with a pastor friend of mine and his wife. This was a visit that I much needed. I believe it helped offset the healing procedure. I have learned over the years to stuff my feelings so much, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I hate that I allowed someone else to make me feel similar I had to hide my feelings, my true self. God made me who I am. And he doesn't make mistakes.
Tonight I watched a Nicholas Sparks movie. And cried through 75% of it. At first, I felt like the person I've become over the past 20 years thinking I had to hide my tears. I felt ashamed of being who I was. But and so later a lilliputian while, I actually felt the old me resurfacing. Information technology'due south hard to explicate, and hard to understand. But I actually think I am becoming my old self. I know it's going to exist a process. Information technology won't happen overnight. And like my pastor friend said today, becoming more like Christ is a marathon not a sprint. I also call back that becoming myself again is going to be a marathon. Information technology will take time I'm certain. After all, I didn't become this fashion over dark. But I am going to try to stay true to the real me. I'm going to enjoy the things that I want to enjoy, with no guilt! I'g gonna cry like a babe at a moving picture if I desire to! If I run into a lost animal on the side of the road, I'm gonna pick information technology up! Never again will I allow someone to make me feel like I shouldn't remember or feel the way I do!
Ok, well… Information technology is a marathon not a sprint. And I probably volition allow that to happen at times. But not so much that I totally forget the wonderful and unique person that God fabricated.
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